liNdSEY's Journal
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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
So I haven't wrote in a few monthes now and I've re-read everything that I wrote and man I cant belive it! i remember feeling that way but its weird looking back on what I wrote about it.
anywayz
So now I'm not all sad and i'm doing ALOT better, i'm still not completly healed from the car acciendt, i have to live with the pain but i can walk ALOT better now! school is alot better now too and i finally got my family's trust back and everything is normal again. well as normal as it can get.
me and kandis are aloud to hang out again too. i spendt the whole summer and the beinging of this school year trying to earn my parnets trust back, being able to hang out w/ kandis, dealing with my car acciendt.
so right now, i'm trying to bring up my grades and get a job. oh and now there is this guy cameron, ohh there is sooo much to say about cameron, but i have to get off here and take a shower. just thought i should update and i'll finsh later.
Current mood:  tired
Monday, July 24, 2006
Being a 15 year old I’ve had a fair share of people in my life. People who pretend to care, people who are good listeners, selfish people, and the list goes on. But someone who you care about a lot and you can separate from other friends is a best friend. The term “best friends” is thrown around so lightly. Some people call other people their best friends after only knowing them a few weeks. A best friend is someone who is very special to you, some one who in 20 years you can still see them as your friend. The love between best friends can cross the line between friends and family.
My best friend is Kandis Riley. Kandis and I started to become friends in the 7th grade. Everyday in 5th period we would sit and sing songs all period long and just be dorks together. In 8th grade we got a locker together and we became friends with Tiffany Jutz. Kandis, Tiffany, and I were inseparable. We did everything together, every weekend we would all stay at Tiffany’s or my house. We shared all our problems and we helped each other through a lot. Yet even though I was close with Tiffany, I was still closer with Kandis.
When high school started, a lot changed. Kandis and her boyfriend, Nathan broke up for the first time. Nathan and Kandis are very close and love each other very much. Kandis and Nathan were together most of 8th grade year and all through summer. Also Nathan is a good friend of mine and I just couldn’t image Kandis without Nathan, so when they broke up the first time I cried too.
Also, I got a new boyfriend, Shawn, and thought I loved him, so I lost my virginity to him. Kandis warned me against it because she knew how much sex can change things and how much pain it can cause. She also knew that no matter how much she wanted to stop me she couldn’t, just as I can’t stop her.
For the first time we had a real fight (not physical, though it almost got to that point). We fought over the fact that I was to wrapped up in Shawn to hang out with her. Something that I knew was true all along, but it blew up into a huge fight that lasted for three months; what seemed like a lifetime. During the fight I began to miss her and realized that I could never replace Kandis, no matter how hard I tried; there is no one out there who even comes close to her.
Then the most unexpected thing happened on January 12th, I was run over by a car at the bus stop. This is where I needed Kandis the most. I was seriously injured, unable to walk for about four months due to a crushed hip that had to be rebuilt out of metal. I thought I would never be happy again. My life had changed in those five seconds that I was run over. My body and thoughts changed, I now see life as a delicate stage, and my parents wouldn’t allow me to see Shawn any longer.
But Kandis lit up my world; she gave me strength to pull through. She helped me sort out my emotions, listened to my cries for help; where most people wouldn’t have been able to handle it and would have left me with my tears. She stayed by my side during my recovery, where a lot of people left me to go to normal teenage things. Kandis really understood that I wasn’t happy and couldn’t cope with my health problems. She would try just about anything just to see me smile, a sad fake smile. But what she never knew was that most of the time though you couldn’t tell, I was happy with her and those smiles were real.
Kandis is the kind of person who will listen to you when your upset, whether she’s close to you or not and then she will try anything to make you happy again; even for a mintin. When I was with Kandis I could forget about my problems and just laugh with her.
Though she couldn’t relate to my feelings, Kandis always tried to. She and I had long talks where I would just let everything out. I felt like I could breathe again afterwards where I’d been holding everything inside. I’d cry and scream, and Kandis would always listen no matter what was going on in her life.
Now dealing with my feelings for Shawn was a different story. My parents would no longer let me see him because we snuck around and did stupid things together. Also, Shawn wouldn’t listen to anything my parents said, or what anyone else said. It got to the point that my parents went to court over it. It was hard to try and end a relationship with someone who I had still had feelings for. I just couldn’t cut myself off from him. So I kept sneaking around to see him.
With Kandis’s help I began to see over time how controlling and selfish he is. How I can live with out him in my life. Sometimes when you’re so close to someone you can’t see how they truly are. Kandis explained to me that even though he makes me happy, he also hurts me worse than anyone ever has. The person that you love can cut you deeper than a stranger with a knife; love shouldn’t be a burdened. Kandis helped me understand that no matter how much I wanted to be with Shawn, nothing good would come out of it; that I had to break up with him. Also I began to see that my parents weren’t trying to be mean, they were protecting me from someone that I wouldn’t protect myself from.
I’ve made mistakes that I regret and some how pulled Kandis right down with me. It was like Shawn blinded me from seeing the truth. But with the threat of losing Kandis I saw that no guy, not even Shawn, could blind me with his words and stand in the way of my true best friend.
Our relationship is very give and take. Like after my accident and dealing with Shawn, Kandis was more giving. When Kandis is having a hard time with Nathan or anything, I’m more giving. Our friendship isn’t selfish at all.
With Kandis there’s more than just what meets the eye. A few hours with her you would think she’s just some fun, crazy girl who doesn’t give a second thought to anything. A girl who all the guys fall in love with at one time or another. But Kandis is a very deep person. She’s very emotional and yet strong. When she sets her mind to something she doesn’t give up easily.
As of right now, due to my mistakes with Shawn, I’m not allowed to see Kandis. I thought that after my accident, dealing with Shawn, fights with my parents my heart couldn’t break any more. But with this my heart is now shattered. I believe that with all the trust and faith in God that Kandis and I share, this period of time will get better and broken hearts will start to mead.
Kandis and I have shared crazy and scary times together. We’ve been through fights were we never thought we would even look at each other again. But yet through everything our friendship has always pulled through. We are connected through faith and memories. I know what she’s thinking by looking at her; know what she would do in any situation. That kind of closeness can not easily be forgotten or let go. In fact I don’t think it can be let go at all.
Some say time makes the heart grow fonder. Others say time makes the heart forgetful. I say that with time and distance, the heart grows more appreciative of something or someone they deeply care about.
I love Kandis like a sister. After all the things I’ve lost over the past few months, I hope I never lose Kandis and the feeling of connection and happiness we share.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
here's some peoms i've been working on too. tell me what you think... i know there all sad, but i've had a lot to be upset over....
Dirt Road-
Walking down an old, dirt road
An old man is crying
Memories flooding him
Memories blinding him
Everywhere he looks he sees his family
Back before the accident
Back when he woke up with a smile
When he heard his kid’s shrikes of laughter
Now all he hears is his own sobs
He wants to let go of his pain
But it’s impossible
He can’t let go of his family
The only one he ever had
The only love he ever felt
The anger rushes through his veins
His blood begins to boil under the hot sun
His heart pounding
Why did this happen?
He can’t see straight
Can’t think right
His wants to run away from his past
But his legs won’t run fast enough to carry him
From the living nightmare that follows him
Sadly he will carry his grief to the grave
Where his family will happily greet him
With open, loving arms
Then he can walk down this dirt road with a smile
Last breath-
His eyes are deep, the stories of his past
His future is dreaded, his hands are sure to shed blood
He remembers the bad,
The good is forever lost in depression
Depression in which he chooses to submit to
His face is so young, but his mind has aged
Wise, but so lost in this world
His heart, scarred by his weakness
He is so trusting, yet protected by youth
Protected by lies, laughs, and pain
Still he lives on for another pain
A pain strong enough to penetrate his armor and pierce his heart
Leaving another wound and with time a scar-
To be burned into his memory
Until his last breath
God’s love-
There is a love,
Great and powerful,
It dries your tears,
It is not selfish;
It is always kind,
It is a soothing warmth,
It is a pleasure that is
Not in your heart,
Not in your body.
Life does not last that long
It is a test, God tests
Our love, our faith, our hearts,
Pain can be momentary
Life is only momentary
Life is too short to waste away
It is precious, full of all feeling
The random joys
Are sure to make up for the bad?
Questions gone unanswered-
Where am I going? Why am I where?
What is the purpose of my always shedding tears?
Life is a never ending ocean of bitter, sweet waves
Dose God really care about the pathway he paves?
Life is short, but life is long
Life is complicated, its changes are strong
Life is unpredictable, life is sweet
Let life sweep you off your feet
So many questions, not enough years,
But one day our questions will disappear
What? Why? Life? I don’t know,
It is a question only God can answer
Heartless people-
They think they know you,
But they don’t
No, they don’t even skim your surface
They say things that put you down
And your tears start to fall
Glistening on your cheeks, the tears show it all
But they don’t care and they don’t see
They are too busy finding something that pierces your heart
Something that is beyond tears and sadness
The pain of words is stronger than some physical pain
Inside I’m dead,
But physically I am still taking the pain
Will it stop? Or am l doomed to abuse and depression forever?
Wake up
My brain seems to stop but my body seems to feel,
The aching agony seems to fill my body immediately
My will to move is not strong enough,
I lay there with sharp throbbing pains running though out my body
I stare at the starts through squinting eyes
Red lights…ambulance is here
Paramedics take my body away
But my heart and soul will forever be lost
I want to cry out in pain
But my mouth won’t let me
I keep thinking, this is the end
I won’t see tomorrow
Then I see my mom and realize I’m not the only one in pain
I have to be strong
Break through this hell that has over come me
Maybe one day I’ll wake up from this nightmare
And pick up the pieces of my life
And begin to move on
Place in the drawer-
I sit in my room and cry
I go into the kitchen to search for a knife
I sit with it and flip it in my hands,
Before returning it to the drawer-
I walk unsteadily to my bed and shake violently, sobbing-
I look at the mirror disgusted
I think of my past and my future-
The future- I saved by returning the knife
The knife has a better purpose
It has its own place
I am like that knife-
Sharp and faulty
I look back in the mirror and smile-
Maybe another day or week wont hurt-
I turn off the light to face another day-
My purpose in life-
My place in the drawer
Memories-
Memories here, memories alive
Some are dormant lost in the channels of your mind
Pain and tears can alter them
A memory relived is a wound opened
The wound sheds tears in the place of blood
Never ending tears keep flowing
No memories swept away
A memory of happiness can numb the pain-
Shinny optimism through the wound-
Drying tears
But will it open again?
To relive the rest of the truth
My Cage
I stare out the window
My sanity is dormant
But my heart is beating
Rapidly and forcefully against my ribs
My anger pulses
The blood rushes through my veins
My mind is suddenly clouded with anger
My thoughts are merciless
My dreams are violent
I am lost in an endless battle of freedom
But I am trapped in a cage of worry
Am I crazy
Or is this real?
Should I feel the way I feel?
I am scared
Am I the fault?
Or is the blame supposed to fall on them
My captors
They call themselves angels
But I am not sure
I am different than the others
I am slowly tortured
I am never set free from this pain
My friends try to find me in this dark
My family too
Why can’t they see this can’t be true?
Is this the beginning of a life of hell?
Or is this the end of sadness?
I can’t tell!
Who are my enemies?
Who are my friends?
Who really loves me and who pretends?
I will know one day
I am so blind
Why can’t I see though my cage?
And see what is real
alright this is a new short story i'm working on. its a working progress and i still have to revise it and i have alot of misspelled words. and it's just the begining of the story too. remember i still have A LOT to do to it. i haven't even thought of a title yet. and i'm thinking of turning it into 2nd person and not 1st person. tell me what you think...
Her words stabbed right through my heart, I couldn’t breath as tears welled up in my eyes. A burning pain spread through out my body. All the anger locked up inside me spilled out as I lashed out and threw my tray full of greasy school food. The sound of the clanging tray filled the lunch room along with the sound of my screams bouncing off the walls. Tears were rolling down my cheeks, my head began to throb. I put my head down started to cry, a loud sob that everyone could hear.
My stomach began to turn and I could feel what little of the food I just ate being to rise. I ran to bathroom and made it just in time before I threw up. I locked the stall door and slid down the wall until I reached the floor. I rapped my arms around my body as if I could protect myself from the pain. I kept crying; the tears wouldn’t stop pouring out of my eyes. Reality had hit me right in the face and it hit me hard. Now I knew that Josh, my boyfriend for the past 2 years, was cheating on me.
All I could think about was how much I loved him and how I trusted him so completely. I couldn’t believe he would do this to me; he looked right into my eyes not even 20 minutes ago and told me he loved me more than anything in the world. I wanted so badly to go bet the crap out of him and cuss him out. I started to think about all the names I was going to call him when the bell rang. Then I started to think about the day we first met 2 and a half years ago; when I was in the 7th grade.
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
It was raining hard that cold, March day. I ran into school soaked through my clothes. I shivered down the hallway to my locker.
“Wow!! And I thought I got wet!!” Matt, my best guy friend who was more like a brother said as he came up behind me.
“Shut up! You got a hooded I can borrow?” I asked. I was freezing and you could see right though my white shirt, so I tired to cover my chest with my arms as best as I could.
“No, but my man Josh does. Hey Josh! Can my girl, Chelsea borrow your hooded?” Matt yelled down the hallway to a tall, dark, dirty blonde guy.
“Yeah man!” Josh yelled back as he made his way through the crowed hallway.
I caught my breathe as he got closer. I had seen Josh around school with Matt but I never really took the time to look at him. He was hot!! I started to stare at his every feature. His lips were small, but they looked so soft. His small nose and his ears were just the right size for his face, unlike Matt. And he was so dark!! I loved dark tanned guys! I noticed his long lashes and his big, dark blue eyes also, I would have gotten lost in them if Matt haven’t of snapped me out of it.
“Hey, Chels are you going to take the hooded or not?” Matt snapped his fingers in my face.
“Oh, sorry about that. Thanks.” I stammered as I grabbed the hooded from Josh.
“That’s ok.” Josh flashed a white, glistening smile; which I completely fell in love with, “I’ll come here after 6th to get it back from you.”
“Ok, I—I’ll b—be here” I spurted out.
“Ok” He laughed, “See ya later!” Josh slapped Matt on the shoulder.
“Alright man! Thanks!” Matt replied
I watched Josh fight his way through the crowed hallway again, with my mouth wide open. I couldn’t believe I never noticed how hot he is! And how sweet his is! Out of the corner of my eye I saw Matt smiling at me, as I was about to drool on myself.
“What?! Why are you smiling at me like that?” I whipped around to face him.
“Yep, you like him. I can always tell when you like a guy. I’m just sorry that guy’s never me! And why is that again?” Matt smiled, leaning against my locker. Now Matt is not hot at all, but his does have a cute face. It's more like a baby face with his bubbley ceeks. Even if his ears and nose don’t fit his face right. He has a good smile too. But I’d never go out with him, first of all because I’ve known him since 3rd grade; we’ve always been best friends. And only friends, so I would be weird dating him and him knowing everything about me. Second of all because I have my heart sat on Josh. Josh is like a king against Matt, with his long brown hair, brown eyes, lightly tanned, and being very short.
“Because, we’re just friends! God! How many times have I told you that?” I was starting to get slightly annoyed. Matt reminded me that he liked me on a daily bases. But then I remember he knew I liked Josh, “Oh, my god! You can not tell him that I like him!! You can’t Matt!! Please don’t!”
“Wow!! You like him more than I thought! You never freak out like this over a guy! Lucky Josh!” Matt knew he was starting to make me mad.
“Matt!!” I yelled
“Ok! I never tell anyone who you like anyways! That’s what friends are for, right?” he threw his arm around my shoulder.
“Yeah, yeah. Thanks.”
“Alright, well I’m going to go! See ya!” he ran down the hallway. The hallway was starting to empty out now because the bell was about to ring. So, I needed to hurry up!
With my books in one hand, Josh’s hooded in the other I slammed the locker closed and took off for homeroom.
I slid into my chair just as the bell rang, sighing with relief. I slid Josh’s blue American Eagle hooded on. Oh it smelled so good!!
“Hey Brandy, guess whose hooded I’m wearing?” I asked my friend who sat beside me.
“Uh…I don’t know. Matt’s?” Brandy looked dumbstruck
“No! Why would I be happy about that?” I said with a frown. “It Josh’s hooded!” I squealed.
“Who’s that?”
“Just the hottest guy in the 7th grade! You know the guy who’s always with Matt?”
“Oh!! I know who he is!” she smiled, and then said astounded, “Nun-huh!! That Josh’s hooded? Wow, he is hot! So, you like him.” It wasn’t a question, more like a fact.
“Yeah. And his coming to my locker after 6th to get it.” After a thought about my appearance I said,
“After homeroom I’m going to the bathroom to fix my makeup and hair. I think the rain really messed it up. You should come with.”
“Alright.” After a pause, she began with an imploring look, “So, I was thinking that maybe you could hook me up with Matt sometime. Soon.”
“What? Why?” I knew Brandy liked Matt. You can tell whenever she looks at him. “I don’t see why you like him so much.”
“Well, I haven’t known him since back before I could walk! So, I see him differently. Are you going to try for me? Please!”
“Ok. Yeah, I’ll try. I’ll give him your number or something.”
“Yeah but don’t make it seem like I like him or anything”
“I won’t! I know what I’m doing here. I’ve done this before for Matt.”
RINNNNNG…..RINNNNG……RINNNNG…..RINNNNG!!!!!!!!
“Well now that I’m deaf from that stupid bell,” I said sarcastically, “We’re going to the bathroom. And why is the second bell always the loudest?”
“As if I’d know. Come one we got to hurry.” Brandy pulled me through the hallway, safely to the girl’s bathroom.
We dumped all the makeup and hair stuff we had on us into the sink. I stared into mirror thinking of how I could fix my hair. My hair was almost as wet as it was when I got out of the shower this morning. My wavy hair was straight before I left the house. Thinking there wasn’t much hope left for it; I grabbed Brandy’s hairspray and began scrunching my long brown hair.
Working fast before the first period bell rang, Brandy and I didn’t talk. Putting on foundation, a little light pink blush, light brown eyes shadow, some black eye liner, (where mine had smeared) mascara, clear lip gloss and I was done.
“There! I have given myself a full make over in less than five minutes!” Brandy still continued to brush her short blonde hair without a glance to see what I was talking about.
I stood beside her in the mirror and stared at myself wondering what Josh’s opinion of me was. My long, dark brown hair was scrunched up and pulled back into a ponytail, with only my straight bangs lying behind my ears (only part of my hair that didn’t get soaked and looked some what ok). My hazel eyes looked bigger with the eye shadow and mascara I put on. I looked down and saw that my jeans were almost dry. I decided that my light colored jeans looked good with Josh’s dark blue hooded.
Oh my God! You look a lot different!” Brandy exclaimed
“Better?”
“Oh yeah! Anything’s better than your wet dog look you had going on there.” She smiled. Brandy’s short, blonde hair looked the same. She put a little foundation and lip gloss on. She didn’t do anything to her bright blue eyes. She usually doesn’t because she doesn’t need to. Brandy is really pretty. “Oh! Come on! We’re about to be late to class!”
And again I made it in my set right as the bell rang.
The day seemed to take forever. I couldn’t wait to see Josh after 6th period to give him his hooded back. After every class I always ran into the bathroom to touch up on my makeup/hair.
Finally the 6th period bell rang! I was the first one out the door as I rushed down the hallway to my locker. While I was waiting for Josh I tired to make myself look busy so it didn’t seem obvesious that I couldn’t wait for him to come.
“Hey Chels!” I jumped so high when Matt scared me as he crept up behind me.
I turned around and yelled, “God Matt! Why do you always have to come up behind me like that?!”
Laughing, he answered, “I don’t know, its fun! I haven’t seen you since this morning. What have you been doing all day?” Then he took a good look at me, “Wow! You really like this guy if you’ve spent the day in the bathroom doing your hair and makeup!”
“Well what can I say? Oh call me tonight I got a new girl for you.” I spotted Josh across the hallway, heading toward us. “Here he comes! Remember you can’t say anything about me likening him.”
“Hey Matt!” Josh said as they did a high five. “What’s up Chelsea?”
“Nothing much.” I smiled my most girlish smile.
Josh just stared at me. He looked me up and down before saying, “You look a lot different than this morning.”
“Yeah the rain really messed up my look.” I just stood there staring into his blue eyes, smiling.
“Can I have my hooded back now?”
“Oh! Yeah.” I handed Josh his hooded back feeling stupid. That’s the second time I just stared off into his eyes. At lest this time I wasn’t stuttering, I thought
“Thanks. Hey you want to come to the movies this weekend with me and Matt? You can bring that girl Brandy if you want.”
I couldn’t believe it! Josh wanted me to hang out with him! All that makeup and hairspray really paid off!
“Yeah, sure!” I was so happy!
“Alright, well see ya later!” He smiled at me then turned to Matt, “Later man!” they did a high five again before Josh left.
I turned around and jumped on Matt, “Ahhh!! I can’t believe it! He wants me to hang out with him!” I squealed
Matt stumbled back as he caught me. “Yeah. He wants you to hang out with us. And that Brandy chick.”
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
“Chelsea?” the sound of Brittany’s voice snapped me back to the presence. “Come on. I know you’re in here! Me and Matt saw you run off crying.” Brittany is Matt’s new girlfriend. They’ve been together for five months and it took her the first two months to realize Matt and I are only friends. Brittany and I are pretty good friends, but right now the only person I wanted was Matt not his girlfriend.
I swung the stall door open, “Where’s Matt at?”
“Outside. What’s….”
Before she could finish her question I was already out the door to find Matt standing there with his hands in his pockets. I flung my arms around him and just kept crying on his shoulder.
Matt rapped his arms around me tight, “Chelsea what happened?”
“Josh is cheating on me.” I managed to whimper out.
“What?!” Brittany yelled from behind me.
“Shhh. Calm down Chelsea.” Matt began to rub my back and rock back and fourth as if he were holding a baby. But I couldn’t calm down. Anger raced through my veins. I was so upset that I couldn’t think right.
“Chelsea? Baby what’s wrong?” At the sound of Josh’s voice I felt Matt’s body tense up and his grip on me tighten. I was ready to tear Josh to shreds
“Go away Josh!! Leave her alone.” Matt said though clenched teeth.
I spun around so Josh could see my face and the tears my eyes held. Matt’s arms were still around my waist in iron grip, as if he was trying to protect me.
“Did you think I would never know?!” I screamed so loud everyone stopped and stared at me, but I didn’t care who saw me.
“What are…”Josh started
“SHUT UP!! I’m talking here!” Anger pumped so hard though my body that I was shaking and everything was a blur but Josh. Josh was in clear focus. “How could you lie to me like that?! You told me you were going to hang out at the movies with Nick and Adam. And I find out from that whore Ashley that you met her up there to get high and do things with her!! And that you’re…”
I felt Matt finally let go of me, only for him to push me aside. “Josh, go away right now before I kick your ass!!” His voice was low but I could hear the seriousness of it. Josh turned and walked off. Probably to go find his new little slut I thought.
I began shaking uncontrollably at the thoughts of what happened at the movies that night. My head began to spin, nothing made scene. Why? Why is he doing this? What did I do? I was still bawling I couldn’t stop the fresh tears from forming. Voices trying to reach me were far away, washed away by my own pain. They were only whisperers to my ears. I felt weak; it took all my energy just to stand up. I can’t believe this is happing!!
Feeling sweaty and closetrfabic I tried to run, to get away from everyone. I wanted to be left alone. With my first step I saw the ground rising up fast to meet me. A steady hand reached out and grabbed my arm. Looking through the fuzziness of my tears I saw that the hand belonged to Matt. He didn’t say a word but his pinched white face said it all. He was scared. Gathering me up in his arms once again I kept weeping. I suddenly began to choke and clutched my hand to my chest.
“Chelsea! Oh God! Breathe!!” Matt slapped a hand on my back. I could feel my face turning deep red.
“What’s going on here?” The counselor Mrs. Jackson called as she parted her way through the group of people who gathered around Matt and I, “Oh my! Ok, Chelsea take deep slow breathes. Come with me. Matt run and get some water.” Surprised I could even walk as she held me up and started towards the outside door, she yelled “Everyone else back to class!!”
Once outside she sat me down and Matt came running out breathless with a bottle of water.
“Here.” He handed it to me.
I took slow sips and breathe in deep. The fresh air made me feel less closerfobic and sweaty but the bright sunlight was blinding me and made my head hurt ten times worse.
“Chelsea,” Mrs. Jackson was kneeling in front of me, “What’s going on?”
Before I could say anything I lend over and began throwing up.
“Ok, well I’m going to call your mom to come get you. Matt will you stay with her?” Matt just nodded, “I’ll be right back.”
I sat up as Mrs. Jackson slip inside.
“Matt, it hurts so much. I never thought this would happen. I trusted him with everything I had and it's like he used that to rip my heart open.” I lend over to put my head in his lap to block out the sun from my tender eyes.
Current mood:  relaxed
we're about to go to on a trip to f------ for a week, we're leaving saturday.
but i haven't be busy hust bored out of my mind!! sence i'm grounded i have nothing to do. i babysit two days out of the week, go to church and thats it!! pretty boreding summer!!
all i do is read and write. me and my aunt trade books and i show her what i write.
i really do like to write and now that i have nothing else to do i write all the time. it feels weired being a 15 year old girl just sitting at home writing all the time and not doind anything. oh, i just remembered i'm hepling this girl learn how to read. i get paid for it and i'm making alot of money off the babysitting thing, but i have no where to go to spend the money and if i go out and buy a bunch of clothes i have no where to wear them!!! i'm going crazy just sitting around the house!!!
Current mood:  crazy
Saturday, June 3, 2006
i had a dream last night about when i was 8 years old and me and my dad were riding around in his truck and he turned and looked at me with sweet, loving eyes and said that he'd trust me with his life. i felt so good about my myself, i was so happy.
now he'd trust our dog, abby with his life before he'd trust me.
and thats really bad that he trusted me more as an 8 year old, than a 15 year old.
trust is a bad thing to lose from people you love
i wish i never made these stuid mistakes, if i could i'd take everything back i would in a heartbeat.
Current mood: drained
Yeah I’m sure now, my life sucks!!
Ya know I used to hate when people said that after my car accented, but I’ve been thinking and when you look at me, you would think that, that's just some happy little blonde, freshmen girl without a care in the world. And that’s no where near right. So, when we look at people for the first time, we don’t know anything about them, all we see is the outside, we don’t know their past, present, or future. Another reason why I don’t pass judgment on people anymore.
But yes, to me my life sucks! It started when my parents didn’t want me seeing my ex-boyfriend anymore. (This was after the car accident, so I was already depressed) They even went to court over it so we would say away from each other. The reason they don't like him is because of the way he treats me and treats other people. That I won’t protect myself from him so they have to.
But we never stopped seeing each other. Cuz I lost my virginity to him and he has a lot of control over me, sadly. We snuck around, lied to people and got people in trouble, just so we could see each other. The whole time I knew it was bad and that needed to stop because nothing good could come out of it, but I couldn't. I just couldn't let him no.
And then my parents found out and now they wont even look me in the eyes, their so hurt. Words don’t even begin to cover how mad I am at myself. After all they've done for me since the accident and then I turn around and do this. My parents now don’t believe anything that comes out of my mouth. But now I can tell him (ex-boyfriend) no, now that it doesn't matter and everything that I had going for myself is gone, I can tell him no. Now that I see how much pain I’ve put my family and myself through over that loser, its too late. But I truly never want to look at him again. Never.
I’m now facing the threat of jail over him, as is he. But sadly I’m not even worried about jail. But worried about my family. I never in my wildness’ dreams thought I would lie to every one close to me over a guy. That’s how much control he had over me; he no longer controls my every move. I do.
But now I have to pay the price for what I did. I even lost my best friend in the world to this stupid guy. I love Kandis like a sister and we made a big mistake together and now her parents hate me and mine won’t let me see her anymore.
After a car accident, losing my family’s trust and ability to look me in the eyes, and losing my best friend that I could never replace as really made my life suck!!!!
When I’m lying in my room at night trying to sleep, staring at my walls, I think about how I really do deserver this punishment (not that I want to which schools, lose my best friend and my car and everything else in my life) that I have causes so much pain for my family that its unreal. I haven’t even said sorry yet, but I’m working on it because this time it has to be a big time apology not your average sorry. I feel like I’ll never be happy again, like I’m trapped in this cage that I put myself in and I can seem to get out and every day the cage gets smaller and I can’t breathe.
It hurts to see the pain in my family’s eyes, after I lied to them about everything and yet they still take care of me. Still love me after I said I hated them out of anger. But that just shows that no matter how much I mess up, my family is still here for me, they may not be happy about it, but at lest there still here for me.
Current mood:  cold
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
last night i couldn't sleep for nothing, so around 12:00 i sat up and onpened my window and looked out at the street. and all i could think about was the day i got ran over. cuz that morning i was running late. my bus comes at 6:30 and i ran out the door around 6:29. i walked up the street to the bus stop and i was thinking about all the homework and tests i had to do. it was so cold that day and when i got to the bus stop, i was talking to my friend about how much we wished the bus would come (the bus was running late too) and the next thing i knew i was under a car. of course i remeber it in much more detial than that. but last night i was just staring at the bus stop thinking of how innocence i was while i was just standing there shaking waiting for the bus and much life can change in the blink of an eye. then i blocked out everyone from my mind and just started at the place where i almost lost my life at and cried. it just all poured out. i cried and cried and let everything that i've been holding in pour out in tears. it wasn't quite tears too, more like a loud sobb. everyday its like i have to hold my breath so i dont blow up, but last night when no one was around to talk to, i cried harder than i've cried in a long time. it got to the point were it was almost uncontrolable and i almost threw up (i could tast it, it was gross) i really counldn't sleep after that.
but today i've had a headache all day long, but i felt clam.
it's been really hard this year, and i think sometimes when i have bad thoughts, i might fall through with it and its scary. but then again i know that i'll be happy again one day.
i think the only person who really understands how unhappy i really am is Kandis (my best friend) she'll do anything just to see me smile, even if its a fake smile. i know its hurts her to see me like this, but she there for me more than anyone. her and Bonnie (my other friend)are the only people who can make me feel better. no one else (besides my family) really understands and they try to hurt me even more by saying things...i'm not saying i feel sorry for myself. but right now everything is so hard, i cant really even put into words how bad i'm bleeding on the inside.
and i know a lot more people have it worse, and that just makes me think even more, its makes me thankful for all that i do have and it gives me a different look on life and people and i dont pass judgement on every one, anymore. and also it makes me see how so many people take for agranted what they have, even though its so easiy to take for agranted something as simpel as walking, but while alot of people are wineing about stuipd stuff, there's some one out there having trouble just sitting up in bed in the morning. you just have to stop and think about what you do have and be thankful because you never know when it can be taken away from you.
Current mood: relaxed
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I really hate people sometimes!! Everyone’s big thing to say to me is "You think you can do what ever you want cuz your in a wheelchair!!" I hate it when people say that to me, it makes me feel more different from everyone than I already do.
Ever since my accident it’s like everyone expects so much more out of me or it could be that I expect a lot more from myself. This accident is something that is always on my mind, I can’t ever shut it out. Pictures of the ICU room floating into my head, along with the Surban that ran me over, the look on people's face, seeing my best friend crying beside my bed while I was trying to breathe, remembering all the pain and what I was thinking, remembering the week of the accident; all the plans I had made. The accident has changed my whole life, changed me as a person, how I look at things, how I feel.
I always feel so empty now. When I’m with my friends and their running around and I’m just sitting there. It’s like I don’t fit in with anyone. I have no energy to do anything now; all I want to do is sleep. No one understands how I really feel, like when I crying over everything or get mad over nothing at all or laugh at something that’s not even funny cuz I think that if I look happy, I’ll really feel happy. It’s like I don’t know how to help myself and I’m trapped in this dark room and no one can reach me.
I know all this sounds depressing and most people don’t want to hang out with someone who is always depressed. But this is how I really feel, I’m so confused, I don’t know who to be. I really need to find myself. That’s why I can’t wait until school’s out for the summer and I have a lot of time to think and not worry about school.
Current mood:  depressed Current music: unfathful
Thursday, May 18, 2006
today has been a horrible day! first of all i woke up late and with a huge pimple on my nose. then when i got to school, we had a suprise test in science which i completley failed. then my best friend and her boyfriend broke up. she (kandis) came to me crying and i starting crying too!! i mean like i was bailing with her!! kandis and nathan (kandis's boyfriend) have been together for about a year and a half. kandis is the sister i never had and she has helped me through so much and when she begain dating nathan, me and nathan became really good friends too. so now i feel like i've lost one of my good friends, cuz now nathan wont talk to me. but at school when we were crying together, its wasn't so much as i was losing a friend, i was crying because i love kandis to death, she has always been there for me to cry on since my accident (we have been friends for years, i just apreshed her more now) and now seeing her cry like that broke my heart and for a section i wanted to go bet the crap out of nathan, but that wouldn't help anything. and after that my PE teacher was giving me this talk about how i needed move on with my life since the accident (she thought i was upset over the accident). i was like HELLO, i'm still in a wheelchair, learning how to walk again! she just kept talking and i wasn't in a good mood at all; my hip was killing me, my head hurt from crying, my foot felt like it was on fire from the nevere damage, so i told her to leave me alone. then she started saying i was getting an attuide with her!! i was SO MAD! i felt like my face was on fire and i was ready to blow by then. and on top of that this boy ran into my leg just then and was like, "oh, i'm sorry. i thought they would have cut off your leg by now!" he was getting smart with me. well, when you barley tap my leg it hurts like hell from the nevere damage much less fall on it!! so i went off on the boy and the teacher. i cussed both of them out and ended up in the office crying and yelling!!
everyone told me that high school's tough. but i would have never guess it would be this hard. i come home from school every day with a headache or in tears from where i'm in pain or people make me mad by saying somthing about my accident. i mean, i almost died in that accident, they just dont know how it feels to be that scared for your life. to be in that much pain, normal pain gose away after awhile, mine doesn't, every section of the day i'm hurting. and people at my school just cant understand that and they wont leave me alone, they have to say something to me, some people can be so heartless. i cant wait till school's out for summer. freshman year has sucked for me!!
Current mood: cold
Sunday, May 14, 2006
8:51PM
Life’s painful-
In your mind no one cares
In your heart there is no one there
You feel empty, drained, and beat
You feel like the pain will never leave
You feel like you won’t survive
If only people could see life though your eyes
When your head hits the pillow, it’s a fight for peace
Your past is a nightmare that won’t let you be
You wake up in sweats & tears
You wish you could be held & told they’ll never leave
While cry yourself back to sleep
Everyday is another day of pain
You just want to cry & scream & let out all your strain
There’s a big hole in your heart
That can’t be filled
Apart of you was stolen
And was never meant to be forgiven
You wish you could change it
Take back all the pain
Wake up with a smile & not another tear
But life’s not meant to change
Life’s painful
So you have to deal
i wrote this poem for my english class, its the bast poem i've wrote so far. i'm proud of it. every word explains how i feel. i love to write, its like inking my tears into paper, i feel so clam when i'm done, i can let it all out and no one has to read it, i can choose who reads my feeling
on jan, 12 i was ran over by a car while waitng for my bus at 6:30. i was left with a crushed hip, craked rib, and a punctured lung. i had surgey and i now have 9 pins and 2 plates holding my hip together. i'm staring to learn how to walk again :) :) i'm so happy about it!! it's hurts like hell, but i'm gald i can walk again, cuz for a while there they didn't think i would. i'm a freshman in high school. its been the worse year of my life, well write more later, going to take a shower
Current mood:  blank
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
Waking up to the glow of early morning sun streaming through my curtains, my best friend Chelsea by my side, I could not believe today was the day we would graduate high school.
“Can you believe this?” I asked a yawning Chelsea, as she stretched and looked out the window. “We are actually finished with school. I feel like we were freshmen yesterday.”
“I know”, she agreed as she pushed open the window letting the fragrant bouqet of spring fill my bedroom. “We did it girl. You did it. I cannot believe how far you have come. I am so proud of you.”
Sitting there in my room with my best friend Chelsea, I was overwhelmed with happiness; we were laughing and getting dressed up for our big day we’ll always remember. I looked in the mirror while applying my eye shadow and saw the girl in the mirror staring back at me, was a girl that had survived a living nightmare. I gazed down at my scarred, swollen leg. My left leg that has caused me so many problems. As l looked at it I relived the accident like I’ve done so many times in the past two years.
**********************************************************
Filled with excitement on one of those perfect May afternoons, Chelsea and I climbed into her black Ford Escort and headed to her house for a sleepover. In high school, there is nothing better than a long weekend, and on Thursday May 21, we had one to look forward to. Excitement had rushed through our veins as we savored our first taste of freedom; Chelsea had turned sixteen early in our sophomore year, and this was the first day she drove to school herself. All of the months of practice with a learners permit had finally paid off, and Chelsea joined the rank of licensed drivers. What a luxury to not have to ride the bus home from school.
As we made our way to her house for a sleepover, we turned the radio up loud, as our favorite country song, “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers buzzed through the speakers. We were laughing, singing, and having fun. I looked over at Chelsea, sitting in front of the steering wheel; she’s a very laidback person with her short blond hair, bright blue eyes, fairly dark skin, and very skinny. All the guys love her, with her being very flirty.
I listened to Chelsea sing in her high pitch voice to the radio when I saw that my left shoe was untied. So, I propped my foot up on the dash board to tie it, while Chelsea came to a slow stop at a red light. With mounting excitement I realized I no longer needed a ride from my mom as my partner in crime could and would take me anywhere. As I tied my shoe I looked up to see a white, suburban rapidly approaching us through the intersection. Before I could even form a thought, we collided with the suburban and forever changing my life. Everything happened so fast. As the airbag exploded in my face I felt a sharp, excruciating pain all at once. I wasn’t even sure where the pain was coming from at first. Then I saw blood, dark, red blood everywhere. It was then I knew my left leg was broken, I just didn’t know how bad it really was. I yelled, “Chelsea, my leg’s broken!!” Chelsea and I looked at each other with the airbag in her pale white face; her eyes watering. I leaned over and put my head in her lap and screamed in agonizing pain. I screamed and cried while Chelsea called 911 on her cell phone.
What I saw when I sat up to have a disorientated look around will forever be remember in my head. I saw that my door was smashed so far in I barely had room to breathe with the huge air bag in my face, small broken pieces of glass was everywhere, my dark colored blood was all over the car, but I didn’t look down at my leg, because I knew it was really messed up. I leaned back onto Chelsea I began to cry again. As waves of pain crashed through my body, my first thought was our sleepover was going to be started late. It never occurred to me it would be canceled. As the nausea and pain grew worse, my innocence would not let me comprehend the seriousness of what was happening. How I wished we were somewhere else, somewhere safer.
I heard sirens getting closer and closer, until the police officer was standing just outside the car. He was asking questions (that I let Chelsea answer) and telling us they were going to use the Jaws of Life to cut me out. Chelsea could have got out because her door was fine, but she elected to stay with me and let me cry on her shoulder.
It took 45 minutes for them to cut me out of the car. They couldn’t cut through the door because of all the steel, so they cut the top of the car off. The Jaws of Life looked like huge pair of scissors to me.
After they freed me from the car, the paramedics rushed towards me with a stretcher. The paramedics strapped a neck brace on me (that pulled my hair) and strapped me down on a straight board. Then they wheeled me into the ambulances. It was the longest car ride in my life, I felt like I was going to be in pain forever and we would never get to the hospital. Up front I heard Chelsea talking to my parents on her cell phone, she told them to meet us at Kosair Children’s Hospital. I closed my eyes and pictured myself last summer at the beach with my parents. When I opened my eyes they were rolling me out of the ambulance, I felt a whole new shock of pain flow through my body. It was more than I could take and I passed out.
**********************************************************
“Kelly!! What’s wrong?!” Chelsea cast a worried glance over the car. I didn’t realize I was crying as I snapped out of my daydream and noticed I was no longer on a stretcher.
“Sorry,” I said as I wiped away some tears, “I was just thinking about the accident.”
“It’s alright,” she leaned over the car and hugged me warmly and friendly at a stop sign, “You don’t have to be sorry for anything.” Chelsea is more like a sister to me. She stayed by side during everything and helped me more than anyone, besides my parents.
“So, you want fix your makeup, I can pull over for a minute?” Chelsea asked sweetly.
“Yeah that’s fine. I can’t believe I cried and messed up everything!” I sighed; being upset on my graduation day was the last thing I pictured.
“Kelly, I understand perfectly. Today is a day of remembrances and you got a lot to remember, you’ve been through more than people could even imagine.” Chelsea tired to comfort me. We are on our way to graduation, all dressed up in our gorgeous caps and gowns.
As I finished dotting on my makeup, I looked over at Chelsea, “OK Chels, I’m beautiful again!” I laughed
Chelsea smiles, “There we go, that’s the attitude! We got to go, can’t be late for our own graduation! How embarrassing!”
Just then, “Jesus take the wheel” by Carrie Underwood came on the radio. It made me think about being in the hospital.
**********************************************************
I woke up in the ER throwing up everywhere. It was so gross because I still had the neck brace on so I couldn’t move, it went everywhere. For a minute I wasn’t sure where I was. I stared at the ceiling, panted on it were colorful butterflies saying, “Get well soon” and “Hope you feel better.” Then I remembered being trapped in the car for what seemed like a life time.
Nurses surrounded my bed, wiping me off, changing my neck brace, they couldn’t change my sheets because they couldn’t move me, the nurses also put a tube in my mouth to clear my breathing tube so I wouldn’t chock on vomit. I noticed they cut my clothes off and threw a gown and a lot and sheets on me.
When they finished they let my parents come back to see me. My mom, Stacie and my dad, George rushed into the room. A doctor pulled back the sheets so my parents could see my leg. Taking one look and my mom passed out, my dad being a doctor himself (he studies different types of diseases at a university) just made a face. That’s what made me very worried, if my mom passed out then my leg can’t be in good shape. My dad began to talk to the doctor about my situation.
When my dad was done talking to the doctor about 20 minutes later he was by my side. He had tears in his eyes and a strain in his voice, “Honey, they want to amputate your leg.” His voice cracked. “Some bones are sticking out and your leg is dangling like a lose tooth from the impact of the airbag. But I’m not going to let that happened, I’ve already called in a specialist, his coming in on a helicopter right now.” My dad was now bailing; I’ve never seen my dad cry in my life.
His words hit me like stones. I knew my leg was broke, but I never would have believed they would want to cut it off. My head began to throb, the room started to spin. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t see right. I thought to myself, “Maybe this isn’t real, hopefully it will just all go away!” but the pain was real enough to reminded me that this was reality and it wasn’t about to send me off into a dream land. I started at the butterflies wishing they could take me away.
“Dad, I’m so scared!” I whispered. I was freezing and shaking so hard it made my leg hurt even more. My body was in shock and it felt like it was slowly turning it’s self off.
“I know honey, but unfortunately that’s not all the bad news.” My dad sniffled; my heart almost stopped beating, what else could be wrong with me? “From your open wounds where your bones snapped out you have a very bad bacteria blood infection called staphylococcal and a bacteria bone infection called osteomyelitis.
You also have internal bleeding in your liver and kidneys from the impact of your leg breaking so hard.” My dad was pale white and looked like he wanted to pass out with my mom, who was now sitting up in a chair starting to come to.
The pains in my leg seem to increase, when my dad was done telling me everything. I started to scream in pain, when a nurse came running with a shot of morphine. I couldn’t believe this is happing to me, I didn’t really understand what was happing. Everything felt like a blur and like it wasn’t really me, like I was watching some one else lay in the ER with all those injures. As in the morphine kicked in, my body went numb and I felt like I was floating. I closed my eyes wishing I could open them back up and be safe in my own room, and I fell asleep.
I woke up with a blurred vision as I looked around the ICU room. I was alone and scared, I wanted my mom with me. I felt like a 3 year old who just fell down and wanted mommy to kiss there boo boo. I grabbed onto the bed to pull myself up to see what was going on (I still couldn’t see anything because of my neck brace.) As a shock of pain flowed through my body, I fell back onto the hard hospital bed. I began to yell frantically, “Mom!” my voice sounded very weak.
After a few more weak tries my mom yanked back the curtains and cried, “Kelly, what is it?”
“Mom, please don’t leave me! I’m so very scared!” I was sobbing now.
“Oh, Kelly I’m sorry! I had to use the bathroom!” my mom held my hand as if she never wanted to let go of me again. I looked into my mom’s green eyes (just like mine) and thought she must be very hurt to see her baby girl like this.
I spent the next 3 long, hurtful days in ICU with a 105-104 degree temperature because of the blood infection. On the 3rd day, I was sent to go get x-rays after I was put to sleep so doctors could push the bones back in and pull the skin down over it. The x-rays were one of the worse things that happen to me in the hospital. Nurses pulled, twisted, and held my broken, fragile leg in the air. It was tormenting, I screamed and cried with severe, burning pain.
After the x-rays were done, the doctor came back to tell me and my parents that my ankle had been completely shattered, like throwing a glass ball on a driveway, and my shin and upper calf were broken also. He said he would need to do surgery to put screws in my ankle, cut the bone infection out, and put a halo around my leg. A halo looks like three horse shoes going down my leg, with pines sticking out of my leg holding it in place. The doctor explained I would be on crutches for about 6 months with the halo around my leg. Also he told us I had severe never damage, and I wouldn’t be able to feel or move my left foot for at lest 8 months.
A few days later I had the long, stressful surgery. I was very sick afterwards. All day I felt nauseous and dizzy, my throat hurt and was very scratchy, because in surgery, doctors stuck a tube down my throat so I could breathe.
I spent the next week in a half going through rehab. I had to learn how to take a shower, use the bathroom, go up and down stairs, and how to sit up in a chair with the halo. I couldn’t put any weight on my left leg or bend it, and I walked with crutches and was in a wheelchair.
Everything got so depressing and hard. I haven’t taken a real shower in a long time; all I had was bed baths, so I didn’t even want to touch myself. I lay in a bed watching my friends come and see me; laughing, talking about school, walking around without pain. I knew it was going to be a long time before I could walk at all, so it was very hard to see my friends living a normal life, going to school while I was lying in the hospital. I started to hate lying in bed all day long, I got very restless. I never wanted out of a bed more in my life.
After a very long 3 weeks in the hospital I was finally sent home. I had never in my life been happier to be in my own home, with my family, pets, and friends. Chelsea stayed over as much as she could, but I was still a very sick girl and she still had school.
As the happiness wore off and the reality sunk in, I realized I was going to have to finish the rest of the year through home school. Also I found out that the 16 year old kid who hit me was named Zack Anderson and he had run away so we could only sue his parents and the insurance company. I was very furious that he had changed my life very dramatically and wasn’t even going to say he was sorry. Zack was the cause of all my pain and all he could do was runaway. I never hated anyone more in my life, I will never forgive him for the pain he has caused me and my family.
**********************************************************
“Kelly Brown is a hard working student who maintained a 3.8 GPA, did wonderful community service, and has a dream to peruse a nursing career. Therefore has been offered a $20,000 scholarship to attend University of Kentucky!” the principal, Mr. Jones called out across Freedom Hall where we were graduating, for me to come up on stage.
I snapped out of my day dream to see Mr. Jones smiling, talking about a smart, hardworking girl. That girl was me. I hurried up, across the stage. Mr. Jones shook my hand tenderly as I received my one and only diploma and scholarship. He whispered, “I’m so proud of you!”
As I took my sit with my diploma and scholarship at hand while Mr. Jones called out more names, I was overjoyed. I had butterflies in my stomach; I couldn’t believe that next year in the fall, I was to be starting my collage classes to become a nurse and help save lives. I smiled because even though I was going to need more surgeries and the pain wasn’t over, I was still alive and with a very bring future. The car accident is something I will never be able to forget. It changed everything about me, physically and who I am as a person. Today is my first step to moving on from my nightmare high school life into the real world.
Current mood:  calm
A wise person once asked me, “Do you think a criminal who is truly sorry for there crime, knows they have causes pain in more ways than imaginable, should be given a 2nd chance at life as a free person from guilt?”
My answer then was yes. That everyone deserves a 2nd chance no matter what there mistakes were, that god forgives all his children. A criminal is a person too and everyone needs forgiveness from god and the victim.
Now my answer as changed. As back then my innocence was so young, it would not let me comprehend how dreadful it is to be a victim of a vile criminal. No criminal should be let off easy because of there age, reputation, or gender no matter the crime. I have learned in a way that no human wants to discover in life how horrible it is to be a victim. The 16 year old boy who almost took my life as he ran over my fragile body with his monster vehicle is now a criminal for life because of mistakes that can not be forgiven by me.
A criminal will never know the pain they caused the victim, family, and friends no matter the sentence. Even if they think they know and are truly sorry, sorrow can not undo time and take back the ache in a victim’s heart and body. The victim, family, and friends will forever be able to vividly remember the day that they had there encounter with a real criminal.
Some people might wonder how the criminal’s family feels. In my heart a criminal’s families are victims just as well. Unless they let the criminal comment crimes unspoken, then they too are also guilty. The family of a criminal did not ask for the crime as did the victim.
When a person dramatically changes your life in a very unpleasant way it’s hard to forgive, but maybe one day a victim can find it in there heart to do just that.
Current mood:  bouncy
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